Day 2. Talking about Chronic Pain in this little video tonight.

Alexandrea and Ashley's Journey to Start a Family!

Alex's Morning Moods.

Everlasting Dreamland

Everlasting Dreamland

The wilderness is the fire that burns inside of you.

You draw my soul into your deep woods.

I see and sink into your crystal-clear pools.

I weep with joy standing under your milk-warm waterfalls,

With the lush green, forest that echoes around

Your heartbeat.

I touch your silky-smooth moss banks,

As your wilderness cascades over my vulnerable body.

This sort of Wonderland-

I will never be able to escape.

Eternity, infinity,

Explosively— holding the spell to my heart;

I shall reside forever.  

Ashley Lynn Taylor-Lang

Photobomb

Lament                                                                                                                                                                 Ashley Lang

Searching, perpetually, for the tender tone of sensations

That you kept bottled inside so long

Pressure building like shaken carbonated confections

Pressure that swells you

You, yourself, within a broken body

Feeling the fractures of factious fantasies

Ones that haunt like dreaded frost-bitten nights

Alone on a great plane of glaciers

Jagged ice crystals pierce

The folds of the flesh of your frivolous heart    

Feeling once again pain of

Persuasions by your puckered lips

Luscious lips that lament my lust  

Death of a Star

“I wonder if they know I can see and hear them.”  I pondered this as my coffin was carried between the pews. It was a slow precession.

Once upon a time, I was a star. Of course it was in my own right- not publically. I had a long, adventure filled life- right until it was my time to go.

 As death goes, I can’t complain about mine. It was my time, I was tired and old. Walking was a chore; I couldn’t do anything for myself anymore. My independence was stripped from me- the one thing I valued most in my life. It’s kind-of ironic, my death that is. I was outside, just trying to get my mail. It was a cold December day, fresh snow covered the ground. My son, who I lived with, was out talking his dogs Starr and Bear up on the mountain in our backyard, in Bolder, Colorado. He usually got the mail, but I was feeling adventurous. Just my luck, I slipped on the ice, broke my hip and went into a coma.  I wouldn’t wish being in a coma on anyone. You can see and hear everything around you, but you are utterly paralyzed. It was kind of like Astral-Projection. I read about that once, in one of my mystery novels.

To tell the truth, I was ready to pass on after a day hooked up to all the damn hospital contraptions. My family huddled around me when they pulled the plug (as I heard one of my grandchildren call it). I didn’t know what to expect. I used to be church-going-woman in my prime. As I got older, I lost my faith- isn’t it supposed to be the other way around? Well, it wasn’t for me. I had lost too much in my life for me to figure there was someone watching over me. To my surprise, nothing new happened. I was still floating around in whatever realm I was in. I guessed I was a ghost. Fancy that, I was ready for heaven or hell to gather me up, but I just watched as my heart stopped beating.

The only people at my death bed were my son, Jack, and my granddaughter, Amy. I watched as Amy fell to her knees, sobbing. My son just fell into one of the hospital chairs next to the bed. He was a statue. No tears filled his eyes, his body was rigid. He just let out one big sigh. Amy was a mess, the poor girl. She spent so much time trying to care for me. She was the only member of my family that put up with my crotchety old self.

“Snap out of it Amy, you’re making a scene.” Jack barked. What an asshole he was to his own daughter. I wish I could give him a slap upside his head, but I was helpless as I was. I just watched Amy’s suffering.

“Fuck off Dad, I know you don’t give a shit- but I DO.” Her voice was weak but her words were harsh. It didn’t seem like there would be much of a relationship between the two anymore, now that I wasn’t there to hold them together. Amy would go back to college and Jack would continue to drink and drug himself to death. I hated to admit it, but his problems arose from my own.

I had one son before my twins, Grant. I had one great year with my child and husband, before he went to war. We had an old family home in New Orleans. But, before all of this happened- I had a life of my own. It was full of laughter and excitement.

Before I turned into a decrypted old lady, I was like a wildfire- unable to be quenched. I am here to tell the story of my wild years and how I came to be the way I am today, which is by all means, dead. I lived a full life but I will focus on one aspect. My prime-time adventures.

It was spring of 1951 and I just graduated from Buffalo State Teachers college. I was scouted out by a fellow from Los Alamos. He came to my school, looking for teachers for the up and coming town. All of the brightest scientists were congregating there. Their families would, of course, need teachers for their children. The rich and pampered mothers wouldn’t dare to home-school their spoiled children. They would need as much time as possible to themselves. They needed to bask in the glory of their husbands makings. Though, some of the bright new minds were women themselves. Rare as it was during that time, it did happen. But, I digress in my telling of my story.

I called my mother that Spring, to tell her I found a job straight out of college. She was oh so excited, until I told her where. I am what you would call a small town girl. Never venturing far from my homeland, my parents always had a close eye on my doings. I told her, “Mother! I’ve found a job. The superintendent came from a very nice school system, looking for new teachers!”

“Oh really, Dear, is that so?” She said.

“Yes mother! I will be going to Los Alamos, New Mexico! Imagine that!” I exclaimed. There was a pause on the other end of the line. The silence was pulsating.

“Well, Annabelle, I just don’t know what to think of that.” She sighed, paused and spoke again, “Who will be going with you?”

“It will be Ted, Christopher, Francis, Audra and I.” I beamed at the phone, thinking way ahead to a bright new future for myself. I wasn’t aware of my mother’s large undertone of concern; I was far too excited with the prospect of my new life to even begin to think of how it would affect my mother.

“Annabelle, I don’t know what to say to you. You must know that I do not approve of you going so far with such a sorted bunch.” She snapped, snapping me out of my blissful ignorance. “How are your father and I supposed to keep an eye on you when you’re going all the way across the damned country!?” My mother cursed. My mother never curses.

“Well, mother, it will be just fine. I am grown now, and I need to learn to make my own way.” I responded curtly. If she wanted to be snappy, well by God, I would be too. She was insufferable sometimes. At the time, I thought she would prevent me from going. I was all revved up for a large rebuttal of how and why I would be going to New Mexico and making my own way. I can’t say I was disappointed with how she responded, but I was taken aback that I had built up the best response only to be left floundering.

“Dear, if it is your wish to go out there, then it is my wish.” She let out a resigned sigh.

“Really? Do you really mean it mother, that I have your blessing?” My voice came out as a squeak, I was so relived. I was going to go regardless, but to have my mother’s blessing was the icing on the cake. (I never really did care for cherries on top.)

“Yes, Darling, I really do mean it.” She sounded much more resolved now. As she was affirming it to herself- which, in a way, she was. Change was not something that came easy to my mother. Growing up, it had been my sister and I doing everything the same, rather monotonously.  We had little room for growth and change in her household. Yes, my father was the technical “head of the house hold” but my mother was the one who held the whole thing together. Without her help, dinner would have been bland, dresses would have been thrown out, not mended. Needless to say, my mother was the main figure of my life till this point.

After the upheaval of emotions of that conversation, I was so relieved to just get back to my dorm. I walked in the door and I literally jumped into my bed. Francis looked at me like I and spouted a second head. I didn’t have the energy to explain anything else that night so I just put up my arm in a “stop and don’t even speak” gesture, “Yes, I am going to Los Alamos with you, and no I don’t want to talk anymore tonight.” And I fell into a deep, heavy sleep.

The next few weeks after that went by in such a daze. I had to return home to retrieve the things I was going to need for my move. I had to deal with the constant naggings from my mother, telling me not to forget anything. I said goodbye to my sister, Lacy (who had stayed home on the farm to help mother and father and keep it going after they eventually pass), and jokingly wished her the best of luck with finding a husband. She was a looker, and finding callers was no problem of hers.

After I loaded everything into Chris’s car, the feeling of leaving home finally set it. I was an adult now. Going off on my own into unknown territory. I had a plethora of different emotions; scared, anxious, excited, sad, happy… The list could go on forever. I was the last person to be picked up out of my four companions. This gave me the time to properly say goodbye to my family and say I loved them over and over again. And then off we went, into the great unknown! (Yes, I realize how clique that phrase is… But that’s what it was to my friends and I. No of us have ever been out of the state- let alone all across the country. I’ll say this, driving to the other end of U.S made me feel like a rock star. I felt like I could conquer the world with a single sweep of my hand. It was exhilarating.

It took us about four days to get to Los Alamos, New Mexico from Warsaw, New York. We passed through all sorts of towns and cities on our way. I’d have to say that New Orleans made the biggest impression on me. The parties in the streets, the vivid night life- being there was one of the pinnacle exciting moments of my life. It was a perpetual party all the way to our destination. We played car games, I Spy, and Name That Song. We sang, put our heads out the windows and howled at the moon. I had never felt more alive in my entire life. I was almost sad when we saw the sign leading to Los Alamos. I knew that my free and fun days were limited as soon as we passed through the gates of that brand-spanking-new town.

We stopped at the gates and exclaimed who we were. The superintendent of the school system we were to work for was there, on our behalf so we could be let in. We were shown about the town, the different sites where we were to work and then finally taken to the place we would be living.

The home we were renting was outstanding in so many ways. Arched doorways, crown molding, even some stained glass windows. The doctor who owned the home was going to Europe for the year and left us in control of the household. There were five bedrooms and three bathrooms. It was a mansion. None of us had ever been in a place so grand. We felt like royalty!

Before the kind doctor packed up and left, he insisted in selling me his car, a four-door Plymouth. It was so old, the white paint had turned a dark, rusty gray and paint chips fell off every time you shut the door. It cost me all of one dollar. Only after the doctor left did I find out why it was so cheap. The car had no breaks and the passenger-side-front door would not stay closed for anything.

            When one of us five had to go someplace, at least one other person had to go- the door was so bad that we had to leave the window open and hold it closed from the outside. But, regardless of all the troubles the car gave us, we made the best of it. Not only did we make the best of it, we had the best time doing so.

            On the days we didn’t have to go to the schools, we went on long road trips. Up and down the steep, curvaceous mountains we went. The old car puttered like an old tractor on its way up and sped like a race car on its way down. We used the car with absolute abandon. We feared nothing. We were invincible. Los Alamos was a perpetual roller-coaster of hillocks and inclines. There was an especially steep hill that was the only road into town from where we lived. And this is where it gets good. My girlfriends and I were such lookers, no one seemed to mind when we stuck our heads out the window every day and screamed, “NO BREAKS! NO BREAKS!!!”

            Believe it or not, my friends and I had never gotten into an accident during that year. Later in life, I was the victim of various wreaks. But, that’s beside the point. I think the reason we never had any hardships with that old automobile was that we believed we never would. There is always some sort of power in the modality of positive thinking.

            When we finally started teaching in the Fall we had to tone down are adventures. It only seemed the right thing to do. After all, we were adults now, working adults. In that small of a community, one had to be careful of their reputation.

            And so we went on with our lives. Audra moved to California to teach at a community college. Chris went and took off back to Colorado. Francis became the superintend of the school system in Los Alamos. The only two who were left, Ted and I, got married. We moved to Oregon, had three children and then eventually moved back to our home town, as Chris did, to raise our children.  Ted and I continued teaching and lived as happily ever after as any two couples could.

            And then, they closed my casket. Amy had quenched her tears and it was now my sons who were crying. Then, everything went dark. As I realized I had nothing to do with this world anymore, I started to slip away. As I said, I was not sure Heaven or Hell were tangible, breathing places; so I’ll let you decide what happened next.

Online Dating- DANGER!

So I got all dolled up to meet this guy for some coffee, then he started sending me odd texts, things I don't even want to repeat here. 

Ladies, look out, there are far too many creepers on dating sites.

Two Friends.

Just Some of My Random Photos

Random Day!

Today was crazy! People are always so much nicer to me when my cleavage is showing a little... hm. But anyway, I was looking for the math lab at school to get help and ran into this guy who was too nervous (just like I was) to go into the lab. He needed the English lab to read something over for him. He asked me if I worked there, I told him I was hired but turned down the job. It looked at me lik

e I was nuts. lol Anyway, I read over his paper, made a few comments and helped him out!

Then I went to the math lab, scared as ever, and they were mean, just like I thought. They told me they aren't here to teach me, only to help me with problems. WTF? I'm HAVING a problem, it's your job fart knocker. lol

So I went to the disabilities room and got so much help for around 40 minutes. The man there was so much nicer. He even said that the math lab sucks now, he used to work there. I have to bring him a present. He said he would help me as long as I needed on Monday, before my exam.

So now I know more about math than I have in a long time. Taking my midterm on Monday and I'm going to do a good job!

  So, I haven’t posted anything on here for a while, due to school being rather hectic. But, tonight I do have time for a post. I need to get something heavy off my chest: THE NOOK TABLET STINKS!

Don’t get me wrong, I bought it when it first came out and I loved it… But that was last December.  The first Nook Tablet I bought was defective right out of the package, so, I got a second one. The second one was running fine until a few weeks ago. The web browsing  has been very “touchy” the past few weeks. Say, I try to get on Facebook; right after it loads, the page flies away without warning, and I am back at my home screen. The second Tablet lasted me almost a whole year, and I am sad to part with it, but I have to.

Here is the real kicker: I just got my THIRD Nook Tablet in the mail a few days ago, and it is having the same browsing problems. I just don’t get it. Not to sound superior or anything, but I could do Barns & Noble’s “tech support” gagged and blindfolded. The “customer support” people were so dull that they had to put me on hold around 7 million times to “check something” A.K.A, go ask someone else.

Finally, I got elevated to a manager who was going to send me a new device. I refused to hard reset a brand new product because that is just stupid. Why would she want me to do that? I did it on the second device, and it didn't work… So, I was getting offered a new one. Then a thought hit me, “They are coming out with a new Nook HD+! Maybe (since I paid the same amount for my original Nook) they could upgrade me, since I've had THREE failing products. So, this woman agrees and tells me to call back in November when they HD+ comes out.

So, I sat twiddling my thumbs for a while, and then decide to call back. I wanted to make sure I was on the pre-order list so I could get the Nook HD+ sent to me as soon as it is for sale. Oh boy, that was a very stupid idea.

I got this “supervisor” on the line who told me first;  they do not do upgrades, and second; I have to give him my credit card number so I could get a new Nook Tablet sent to me so I can see if MAYBE the FOURTH one will work the way it’s supposed to.

Let’s get something clear, I did not have to give any information for having the third (newest) device sent to me. This @SShole told me that it was, “Company policy.” I said, “Really? Then why didn’t have to do this a few weeks ago?” He went on to tell me (acting like he was the king of the universe) that I would have to send my Nook back first before they sent me the new one. That is some bullshit. So, I resigned and gave him my numbers (I will sue their asses if any fees come up from that company.)

This second guy was just a dickhead. Nothing else to it, he is just a sad saggy panted man in a dead-end job.

After all of this, after spending so much money on buying the apps and books… I just wish I had gotten the Kindle Fire. I feel like I have to stick with the Nook now, because I've put so much money into it and I highly doubt they would reimburse me all the money I gave them for their damned product.

Word to the wise:

                Do MUCH research before making a almost $300 commitment, or on just about any other electronic device.

P.s… I had to hard reset my phone yesterday too. The people who know me, tell me that I am cursed with the things that I buy (mainly electronics), and I am starting to think it’s true.  

The Kitchen Table Family Restaurant!

 Seldom do my family and I get to see each other just for fun. Errands, Holidays, Birthdays; those are the times I see my family. Scheduled and time restrained. But, today was not such a day. It was a lovely, bright and sunny Sunday afternoon that I spent with my mother and my two nieces: Lilli and Ariana.   

Around 1pm today my mother, with my nieces tagging along, came to pick me up. We decided we were hungry and went to the best new little Mom and Pop place- The Kitchen Table Family Restaurant, on the corner of Amherst Street and Elmwood Ave, in Buffalo, NY. Let me just say, this place is fantastic. Every time I have the money to eat out, I come here. Everything is homemade and delectable. They started out just serving hamburgers, hotdogs and fries (and let me say something about these fries: They are, by far, the best homemade French fries I’ve ever had in my life!), but it has much progressed into a plethora different menu items. All sorts of sandwiches; tuna, turkey melt and club, fried fish sandwiches, though I’ve yet to try them all, I have no doubt they are as delicious as every other item I have ordered. Their fish fry, served on Friday’s and Saturday’s, is the best thing (other than their homemade potato salad and fries) on the menu. The Kitchen Table now serves breakfast all day long! How many other places do you know, other than chain restaurants, which do breakfast from 7am till 9pm?! I don’t believe I am doing this place justice with writing this. I think everyone should come try it out. It’s a little hidden treasure. Did I mention the ice cream and slushies they serve all year long? No more will you be let down when your favorite ice cream parlor closes for the winter!

 I think, even though the food is the best I’ve had in a while in the Buffalo area, the owner and his employees take the cake.  If you even need a smile to brighten your day, just come down to Elmwood and Amherst and walk in The Kitchen Table! Quick to a joke, a friendly demeanor and just all over good people who work here are sure to brighten your days.

Maybe you’re thinking, what’s the catch? Well, there is none. The prices are the cheapest you will find in Buffalo and surrounding areas. The final word is that you need to check this place out! I am actually sitting in The Kitchen Table as I write this, drinking coffee and an AMP (I’m a caffeine junky, I know) and using their fast and FREE WiFi!

 As this place is new, and not many people know of it yet, the turn-over is still rather slow for how wonderful it is. I hope, my readers, that you take a little trip to The Kitchen Table Family Restaurant! Trust me, it’s worth the drive. Lucky for me, it’s right across the street from my apartment. 

Confrontation

The human mind is often so complex we are unaware of how we react the way we do: in one such instance, the anger that comes from being confronted by a fault of one’s own. This has often occurred in my life, directly affecting me. I will calmly tell a person that they have hurt my feelings by an action of their own, and be rebuffed with an immense amount of anger and resentment.

Why is it that when you confront someone on their wrong –doings that they must point out all of your own faults and mistakes.  It doesn’t seem quite far to me that when I am being calm with someone (or, in cases, someone is being calm with me- for I am not devoid of fault in this) they rebuttal with accusations and harsh words, often yelling that can be accompanied by profanity. I am not a psychologist, psychiatrist, or one of any profession of the sort- but I have studied much psychology, in college and on my own. I am uncertain if this behavior is sociological or psychological. It seems to me to be a bit of both.

Most people have experienced this behavior on one end or the other of their life- Which leads me to believe it is a social pattern. However, when you think on the psyche, this behavior is a model of repression, projection and guilt.

Sociologically, this may be a repeat pattern, from person to person- from friends, families and neighbors. If the group of people you are surrounded by act in a certain way, you are most definitely apt to respond in kind. The only way the pattern can be broken is if one person or more persons choose to negate from the set path. That goes for any social pattern.

The person being confronted is often left floundering for an excuse for their poor behavior, wanting to blame everything – everyone- but themselves.  That leads to the person projecting their feelings of guilt onto the person confronting them. As humans, we are highly emotional and tend to overreact on the smallest matters. Such is the nature of our existence.  It takes a trained mind to remain rational when you have done something you know to be wrong but don’t want to admit to it. We tend to fight it with every fiber of our being, like a survival instinct. 

What I want to go is how we solve the problem of being overly emotional. I know it is natural to have emotions, but how to keep them under control if when pointing out (kindly) the fault in people only makes them more irate? 

-Ashley Lang

Vacation Within A Vacation!!

So, here I am in Prescott Valley, Arizona! I came to visit an old friend and his family. The drive is about two hours away from where my father and grandmother live, but it is deferentially worth the drive!

I came down to Prescott from Flagstaff on Friday afternoon. I was greeted with the warmest welcome I've received in maybe forever! Well, other than my fathers dogs! Haha. Open arms, hearts and kind voices enveloped me as soon as I crossed the threshold. It was a bonus to see that my friend (Nick's) uncle, aunt and two little (well, not so little anymore) nieces had just come back from vacation. Last time I had seen Nick, or any of family was around 2007! So, his nieces looked so strange to me!! I can't believe how grown up they are now. It seems a little insane. Before their drive back home, they had to stop and pick up the multitude of critters that Nick and his family had been watching. You name it, they had it! Lizards. rats, doggies and birds- Needless to say they must have a very full home.

Nick's family is my second family (I wish they were my first, haha.) They have always treated me with nothing but love and respect! 

I will tell the rest of my tale once I am back in Flagstaff tomorrow. I had to stay an extra night here due to a monsoon. A curse and a blessing at the same time. It was my father's birthday today and I was sad to miss it. But, he worked all day so it's not like I would have been able to see him much.

Goodnight, Good Morning, and Good Afternoon World! 

Peace and Love,

Ashley

Arizona Success!

  The plane rides were the best I've had. Got to sit with younger, happier, people for a change! Found lots of nice people to chat with everywhere I went! Finally arrived in Flagstaff, Arizona around 2am. (That would be  5am NY time.) So I was up and traveling for about 20 hours. My dad picked me up from the airport in Phoenix and I barely remember the 2 1\2-  3 hour drive to Flag! 


   All day yesterday I was running errands with my grandmother, so it's nice to sit around and relax today. Maybe going to the mall a bit later to do some clothes shopping! 


   It seems I brought rain with me here. It's thunderstorming right now, but it's lovely. I love monsoon season with all of my heart. Some days I really miss living in Arizona, but I always end up getting home sick for New York. It's much better to just come and visit! 


   Next weekend my father and I are going to Vegas for two nights! We are going to see Phantom of the Opera and do the look around, tourist thing! I haven't been to Vegas since I was about 11-12. My grandmother and father took me there for a night or two and we stayed at Circus Circus, that was a blast. But now I can go and waste a few dollars gambling. I've never gambled in my life and I am totally prepared to lose the $20 I go in with!


I will post pictures when there are pictures to post!


Peace and Love,




~Ashley

On Vacation!

The long awaited trip to Arizona for my summer break is now in session!!

Sad Panda.

Yesterday I was a jungle gym for my nieces. We had a cook out at my sister's place and my nieces expect me to be super-woman because I *used* to me... I just can horse around with them like I used to and they don't understand that. It makes me feel awful. 

I did my best to keep up with them, but I am really paying for it today. It feels like my knee is out of place and I was kicked repeatedly between my shoulder blades on my spine. I have a 7 1/2 hour trip tomorrow to AZ... I think I'm going to ask for a wheelchair at the airport... But my pride is holding me back... I think I have to tho, because I am just not up to walking all over. 

Today is just not a good day:

Woke up late 
Didn't have time to shower 
Missed two doctors appts 
The second bus was suuuupppperrr late, which made me miss the appts
I woke up in so much pain I could barely move around- Still can't really. 

GAH. Still need to go to the store, pack, clean, PACK- I'm OCD about packing because I always seem to forget something. Check 7million times and over again to make sure I have everything I need.... Back up my files onto my external hard drive, in case anything happens to my computer in transit.... 

Sorry for venting- But I really don't care! :P

The Road2Recovery 

Productive.

 Worked on my photos from my last photoshoot, cleaned my apartment, made this blog, made a tumblr, read, dyed my hair, blah blah blah.


 So, I figured if I'm going to start a blog, I'm going to do it right! I will post what I wrote and had printed on the front page of my school newspaper!


Coming Out by Ashley Lang

  I am so glad that the state I live in, the great state of New York, allows me to marry the woman of my dreams some day. I feel awful that most others are not granted that right. Frankly, it makes me sick to my stomach. We have hearts, souls and feelings just like the rest of the population. Why is it that we cannot love who we choose to? 

 Lesbian, gay, bi-sexual and transgendered people have been prosecuted throughout the ages. They have been seen as deranged, second class citizens. We have been beaten, berated, and begrudged for most of our lives. It is rare that one can “come out of the closet” in peace in harmony. So often children are shunned by their parents, family members and peers for being honest about whom they are. Why, as a civilization can we not see past a person’s sexual orientation or gender? Why can we not love them for the person they are, not for what’s between their legs or whom they happen to love? I wish I had all of the answers, but I, for the life of me, cannot comprehend the hate some people have in their hearts for people who just happen to be a little different from them. We all inhabit this Earth as one race, the human race. To hate someone for being gay is a kin to hating someone for the color of their eyes, skin or hair. It has such little meaning. I propose we come together, untie, and have love for whom ever we meet.

 My “coming out” story was easier than what most people have to go through. Yes, it was hard, and continues to be, but I no longer hold resentment for how people react(ed) to the news. Hating someone for their wrongful actions does not make the world a better place. Tolerance is the key. Growing up, I had no idea I was different from anyone else. I thought all little girls played house together. I thought it was okay to want to play with Legos and not Barbies. I had no idea that kissing girls on the playground was different or wrong. Not until I grew older did I realize that how I acted, who I was, differed from the “norm.”

 I remember, clear as yesterday, being around seven years old and talking to my mother about the “boy” I would marry some day. My mother, who has always had an open, loving mind said to me, “Or the girl you marry.” That stopped me dead in my tracks. How did she know what I was thinking? How could she have any idea? My little seven year old mind reacted with fear and disgust. I said, “Ew! Mom! That is so icky and totally wrong! Who would do that!?” I felt a little piece of myself fade away as I denied who I was.

 When I was around 14-15 years old my sister confronted me about my being gay. I was sitting in my bedroom, listening to music when she walked in. She sat down on my bed with me and looked me dead in the eyes; her face was serious and accusing. She asked me, “Ashley, do you like girls?” I froze. Where would she have come up with that idea? I had no clue. I turned my head away and kept quiet. “You can tell me, you know, I won’t say anything.”, She said. I started crying. Not just a few tears, but big gasping sobs. I pleaded, “Please don’t tell mom or anyone else! PLEASE!” As is my sister’s style, she told my whole family, down to the aunts, uncles and cousins, as well as all of her friends. It was earth shattering. My whole world had come apart. In my mind, the only thing to do was to deny her allegations. I went back into the closet. 

 It took me years of self exploration, coming in and out of the closet, and a big dose of reality to admit my sister and mother were right. I loathed myself for it. I was royally pissed off that I was different from everyone else. Why couldn’t I just be normal? Because I have never been “normal”, I’m erratic, artistic, loving and caring, and just a plain nut ball. But, I am also a lesbian. Think what you will, form your own opinion, but never judge me for who I happen to love, because I love you all no matter what.

 Whoever is reading this, if you happen to be gay, lesbian, bi-sexual or transgender- You are NOT alone. Things do get better, and you learn to love yourself. People will come around, or you will find new people who love you for who you are. Do not lose faith in mankind. You are loved.